Following the Path

You may not be religious and that's ok. I love my faith. It gives me peace. It helps explain the unexplainable and makes me feel less alone. I feel like God has set me up for success this time around and it is just my job to follow the path that has been laid out for me.

If you have read any previous posts, you know, I struggle. A lot. I have had so many failure attempts that I've just lost faith in myself. On a whim, my boyfriend asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I (even surprising myself) suggested Weight Watchers. I've tried WW multiple times before but I am a financial worrier and also quit by the 2nd month convinced I can do it on my own but I never do.

So, I suggested paying for a couple of months of Monthly Pass and within a few days I received a 50% off pass if you purchase 6 months in advance! PERFECT! *sign from above noted* Not ONLY that, I am a teacher and I received $65 in gift cards to Applebee's. No where else but Applebee's. Coincidence? I think not. (for those of you who  don't know, Applebee's has a WW friendly menu) I'm embracing these opportunities and taking it one day at a time.

I've been on plan for 4 days now and truthfully, it has been challenging. It was EASIER to go through the drive through. It was EASIER to grab anything at the grocery that tasted good. The feeling of control is 10 times better than the shame that came with those "easy" choices.

 

I also have a great milestone to shoot for. I know EXACTLY what I weighed in this picture. For a couple of years now, I have used this as my motivation picture. Naturally, I thought I was fat. I had indulged way too much and weighed in at 148 that morning. I would LOVE to weigh 148. It is a happy weight for me. The picture was taken nine summers ago in Destin on vacation. I still have the shirt I'm wearing. This August will be the 10th anniversary of that picture being taken and I kind of want a little recreate!

I have lots of hopes, dreams, goals and plans for this next year. I love writing. It is my passion. So my first goal is to be a better blogger and chronicler of this never ending journey!

Ruining Life?

I wonder if anyone feels like a failure is a catalyst for further failure? This weight loss/ weight gain cycle has been past the point of detrimental to my life and health. It has created such a cycle of self-hatred and negativity. At some point I thought I could do it and now, I've plummeted my self-esteem so much I wonder if I can.

I live in fear that I'm going to lose my relationship (which I so love) and that I'm going to lose my job all because of something caused by ding dongs and ho-hos. How sad is that? I feel like everyday I am ruining my life and my future. I feel like I throw away potential happiness for a McDonald's cheeseburger. Why is that? I'm so consumed by negativity that I don't know how to escape it. It consumes every bit of my life: work, friends, financial, family. I've lost all respect for me and I treat myself as if no one should respect me either.

Wow. A lot of whining. I know. What I do know is that I am smart enough and special enough to figure this out. I just don't know when. I know this blog isn't typical of what people are looking for in a weight loss blog. It is just a blunder of half-hearted attempts and tries. One day though, when I figure it out, I want someone to have seen the whole journey for what it really looked like.

I'm here. I still want weight loss so desperately but I haven't found my way yet.

No Subject

Why do they make you title your blogs? Sometimes I don't have a name for it.

I've been back just a couple of days from Chicago. I'm truly proud of myself for several of the choices I made. I will post several pictures soon. There is still some sorting and uploading to do. When I make that post, I'll tell you all about vacation food!

I stated planning and thinking that I would start juicing when I came back from Chicago and after a training I had yesterday. Today, I woke up and started looking at juicing recipes and blogs immediately and continued to do so for hours. Finally, I just said eff it and I ate some oatmeal with PB2, flax seeds, a little honey and a banana.

It's been a hard day. I feel like a failure that can't stick with anything. Why juicing? Because I know it drops pounds. It's not how I want to live my life though.

On my first lunch day with my new teaching team, one team member made a comment about another saying that she was always super healthy. I want that for myself. I want someone to refer to me as a super healthy eater or the healthiest person they know.

I'm back to counting calories. I ask for prayers and strength that I don't have today.

Movin and Groovin Baby

Hello All,

Hope everyone is having a successful week so far. I'm doing ok. I'm actually on my way to my 2nd Weight Watchers meeting. After this, it gets a little funky and will be a true test of strength. This weekend I'm going to Chicago for a little weekender getaway with my wonderful fella. I think Chicago is infamously known for like more eateries per capita. Even if I made that up, it certainly feels like it. Luckily, we have already picked all of the restaurants that we plan on going to which all have online menus. The goal is to pick what I'm going to eat and do a rough sketch of points prior to going.

Also, another little troublemaker is that I can't attend my normal meeting next week due to a training. I'll have to attend the later that day meeting. This isn't too catastrophic because that is the meeting I intend on being my permanent meeting after school starts. I hate weighing later in the day though. Especially during the school year because I've been on my feet all day and I swear I swell 45 pounds from when I first get up.

On more fun notes, I am attending my first Tai Chi class today. Super intimidated. I'm not sure what to expect and I have absolutely no balance or sense of grace so this should be good. I have just moved to a new town that is very small. God grant me a Target. I just discovered that it does have a yoga studio though. I do love yoga. I'm not good at it but it makes me feel good. Anyways, longest explanantion ever With the package I purchased, I get unlimited classes for the next two weeks! I thought I would try something new. I might be the Chi master. Probably not. But maybe!

I'll try to sneak a picture for you!

Still Waiting For a Success

Hello Dears,

I'm still at it. Dieting. Losing. Gaining. Winning. Losing. Failing. All of it. I went back and read my past few previous posts and I just want to hug me. If I read of another weight loss blogger who struggled as much as I do, I would want to hug them and just cry with them. This is a devastating process. I feel defeated. The hard part: I'm really awesome. And strong. And smart. And would be a freakin' knockout if I lost the weight. ok. cool your jets there sister. Point being: I really can do this. REALLY. So why don't I? Why do I let myself down? Why do I treat myself so badly? um. no. really? If you've got answers, you let me know!

I have spent the last few days looking at really great weight loss blogs and I have found such incredible people out there. Successful, amazing, and inspirational people and I realize that even though I feel so alone this minute, I'm not. So many people have been right where I am and have succeeded. So many are right there with me now. I said a few posts back that I want you to capture my entire journey. So many of the amazing bloggers I have found were a good way into their journey when they began sharing. I get it but I'm always in search of that moment when you drove by the McDonald's and you were thinking about ordering a Big Mac combo and you sat there justifying it to yourself. Finally, you just drove off because it wasn't worth it and you kept up your journey every friggin' day after that. Well, what the hell did you say to yourself? That's what I need to read so that's what I want to write for you.

So, the update. Since my last juicing post (which I seriously want to delete because it is kind of embarrassing), I have tried juicing 3 different times, counting calories once and have now been back at Weight Watchers for the past few days. Yes. I'm aware. It's been like a month. Not to mention that those in between days were ugly, indulgent, sad binges. Can I getta BEEN THERE?

I'm a teacher on summer vacation. I tell myself, this is IT. THE. SUMMER. I lose like 80 pounds! Well, realistically, it's almost more challenging because I'm lacking structure. I wake up when I wake up. My meal times are off. I'm not eating food in front of people which makes me hide justifications easily. I decided that I needed some accountability and structure for a little bit. I don't know if WW is going to be the silver bullet or not. I like counting calories a lot. It is always a favorite but I feel like I need just a bit more.

Stay tuned. I'll be back to talk much more often.

Juicing-An Introduction

Oh, compadres!

I have begun yet another adventure. Some of you will have eye roll opinions and others may be intrigued or may have even heard of my newest fad and love. Juicing. No. Not like smoothies. Yes. Everyday. All day long.

A great thing about juicing is that you can adapt it to what you are hoping for. Just need a little reset after the holidays or an indulgent weekend? Juice for 3 day. Or 7. Or 1 month. Or even longer for larger goals. I have decided to commit to a longer juice fast and naturally I suggest you talk to your doctor to decide what is the best plan for you and your health.

It isn't my first rodeo with juicing though. I juiced for about 2 1/2 weeks (about 2 weeks ago). Lost about 15 pounds so naturally I freaked out, quit and I have no doubt gained a lot of that back. You hear that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them so at this point I should have a Ph.D. in dieting.

The truth is, is that it was the hardest and easiest way I had ever dieted. I had one day of feeling "bad"-headachy, lethargic but otherwise I felt good. I LOVED that I didn't have to make conscious food choices everyday which I understand is not realistic in the real world but once I stop relying on junk food to make me feel better, to soothe me or to entertain me, I hope to make lifelong, smart choices.

It was also ridiculously difficult because I had to be so prepared. There was no room for spontaneously going away for the weekend. No option to grab something quick.

With all of this being said, I'm in again. I LOVED IT. And I miss it. Since the day I quit, approximately 10 days ago, I have felt sick and tired every single day. This time, I plan to blog to keep me accountable and to document for those that are thinking about jumping on the bandwagon.

Workin' on My Fitness

                                                                  from iheartinspiration
Working out has been a struggle. My foot has been in a lot of pain since the beginning of December. It is just now starting to feel some relief. When I started planning this journey, I thought I would focus on the two things I love: yoga and running. or the idea of yoga and running  The bum foot prevented me from doing a lot of yoga and I didn't feel comfortable running on it. Since I began this journey, my body has been craving exercise. It so badly wants to be active. Especially now that it is cold, I have felt that it is impossible to be active.

Luckily, my boyfriend is on a bit of an exercise kick. He and I have begun P90x. We have owned the DVDs for a few years and have dabbled with the program a little bit. We have been back on for a little over a week and my body is loving it. It is definitely difficult and I can't do it all by any means but I can do A LOT of it. Something is better than nothing.

                                                           This is how I feel right now!
                                                              thanks to iheartinspiration

The Right Weigh

from google images

 

Another reason from my long list of reasons why it's different this time is because I haven't weighed myself. I weighed myself on January 1st and saw the highest number I've ever seen on the scale.

In previous attempts I have weighed weekly, bi-weekly, and daily. I've seen the scale shoot up because I had a saltine cracker. I've seen it shoot up because I worked out the night before. I feel like the scale is a bully and I don't want to be bullied by a number.

Sometimes I think about weighing monthly which would make February 1st my next weigh in but then I think, does it matter? Whatever the scale says, is it going to change what I do on February 2nd? I have the fear that I'm still not going to like whatever the scale shows and it will discourage me.

Also, it isn't about the number. It is about me living a healthy life. If I'm doing everything that is right, tracking and working out then that number should get where I want it to go.

I may change my mind but for now, I'm not weighing.

Thoughts?

Still Hanging On!

from iheartinspiration

It's been a week or so since my last post. The first couple or days after were rough. On Saturday, we ended up going to one of our favorite restaurants in Nashville, Firefly Grille. They are known for eclectic food but not an ounce of it fat-free. I knew going into Saturday that I was going to have an indulgent meal. I had a beet salad and their truffle oil macaroni and cheese. It was rich and delicious! worth every calorie

That wasn't the struggle. The struggle came the next day when I realized they would want to have brunch as well. An omelet with cheese, 2 smallish pancakes with syrup, 3 glasses of orange juice, 3 pieces of bacon, and a handful of melon later was the beginning of the end on Sunday. That was followed by a huge piece of chocolate cake from my grocery deli of all places, a Cadbury egg and a coke.

I know the look you are giving me. Poor choices. In 2012, this would have been the beginning of a binge for me. I would have shoveled and continued eating food all night long. The next morning, I woke up right back on track. Also woke up with a belly ache.

Before this, I would have become discouraged at my failures and vowed to start again but wouldn't have. I would spend the next few weeks eating out three times a day and snacking in between. I may have pulled it together for one day but within a couple of days, I would have been discouraged and saddened and stopped. Not this time.

Still going. Still hanging on.

Choices

I hope everyone had a great end to their week. I'm still going strong. I've been able to maintain my routine and haven't had any little slippies which brings me to today's post.

I know that sometimes life happens while dieting. There will be birthday parties, get-togethers and soirees. I just thought I would have more time before life crept in. I've already faced a baby shower and a wedding shower and I just abstained and it wasn't a big deal. Tonight my boyfriend's parents are coming into town and we are going to a favorite restaurant in Nashville. It is the perfect restaurant to take them to. Kind of a contemporary farm to table scene. Which means your entire plate is decided for you without a lot of options. I can't avoid it and that is ok. I ate a little less yesterday. I'm going to eat a little less today and tomorrow I will try to do the same to make up the deficit.

I feel pretty picture perfect this time around. I feel like I am doing a lot of things correctly. One thing that is still a struggle is that I don't see progress. I know it is still early but it can still be defeating when you look in the mirror and feel like a blob.

Yesterday, I went to the mall to piddle a bit and discovered that a pair of pants I WORSHIPED at the GAP was on sale for $24.99. YEEESS. I can do this! I get to the register and the ring up for $8.99!!!!! YYEEESSSSS!!! It was a great moment. Today, I put the pants on. They fit ok but I still feel like a huge blob in them. :(

I know this journey is about patience and I'm working on it but it is still hard.

Choose your hard.

Oh yeah, the calories

Some of you future readers may be wondering exactly how much I eat. I've told you what an average day LOOKS like for me but didn't tell you how much I eat exactly.

People get really excited about 1200 calorie diets. Well for someone who has been average 2500 calories a day, it is quite a sacrifice to more than half what I would normally eat. I've done 1200 before but it is harder for me. I want to gnaw my arm off and I have more cravings. There might be a slight difference on the scale if I ate 1200 but how long could I honestly eat that before I gave up and cheated? Not long.

So, the restriction I've set for myself is 1500 calories. I don't hit it everyday. I usually average around 1350 and I never push it after dinner. That includes eating five decent meals a day. A couple of times because I've been super busy or ridiculously tired, it has been in the 1000-1200 range. Not enough times to be unsafe. I've also hit that 1400-1500 range enough for there to be a balance. It isn't perfect but I NEVER go over.

Before this time, I would do a little 1585 or 1620 telling myself it was fine but it wasn't. That last 100 calories or so were because of poor planning or giving into munchies. Unnecessary.

I also planned 1500 with the intention of lowering it as I begin losing weight. I expect monthly to lower it 100 calories or so.

Just what I'm doing. By all means. Do what you need to do. If I've figured out anything it is that your diet must be all of your doing. It must fit you perfectly.

Get Yo Workout On or Not

One question I'm sure you have at the beginning of your journey is how much to workout. Well, the truth is, I haven't done any cardio since I began. I have a foot injury that is KILLING me even when walking. think it may be a stress fracture but am living in denial

During those couple of weeks of planning, I thought that I would do yoga a couple of times a week paired with 3 or 4 times of walking/running. So far, I've been able to do yoga once a week and that's it. I'm limping most of the time.

When my foot started hurting, I began thinking....oh maybe I'll wait until it feels better before I begin this whole thang. Then I started thinking, why? Why must EVERYTHING be perfect in my eyes before I began? If that is the case, I will never start and I will never get there. I think this is why it has taken me so long to begin with.

In times past, I have started dieting and exercising hard core at the same time (we're talkin' P90X, or spinning classes several times a week or running) and I have crashed and burned. It might work for some people. No doubt, it will probably speed things along for me but it also becomes too many changes all at once for me that I can't handle.

My whole life can't change overnight. If this is a forever change, it has to be gradual so that it sticks forever.

It Doesn't Get Easier

                                                         borrowed from iheartinspiration
And for those who say so are LIARS. Today was really hard. Probably the hardest. This process really makes me think and overthink my choices. Before, you know, the last 400 times, the weekends were always what ruined it for me. I could make it Monday-about Thursday before I got sick of the planning, sick of the food and sick of being restricted.

When the weekend hit, I was out of my routine. Spending time with my boyfriend and any diet was shot. Binge, binge, binge, start on Monday. Fail by Thursday.

This time, I am still out of my routine but I have really dedicated to sticking to the same foods. My Monday-Friday foods are also Saturday/Sunday foods. Crazy enough.

As easy as that sounds my daily 5 meal pattern is off and because I'm more lethargic on the weekends, food is a lot of what I think about.

One day, it won't be that way.

What is different is that this time I am more dedicated. Today I had a rough moment. No biggie. Just stressful. Immediately I started thinking of all the bad food I could eat. Except I didn't.

I had SEVERAL hours of grad school homework and so badly wanted to sit at Starbucks in a neutral environment and just knock it out. (Remember I'm doing no sugar.) Except what am I going to eat there or order to drink? I know you just thought of a great sugar-free concoction for me but the truth is I hate those things. So I just didn't go. I knew I wasn't strong enough to go and not order my favorites. grande, non-fat, caramel macchiato with whip God bless I miss you.

So, a hard day but a proud day. I can sit here and tell you that I said no and I still have my pride and I made it through day 13.

What happened to treats?

If you listen to diet programs advertising, they always preach how you can eat AAANNNYYTTTHHHIINNNGG you want. Full Metal Jacket? Anyone? If you eat your daily donuts in moderation or your candy bars or your sod-y pop then you will still lose weight. Have your cake baby!

This may be true for some but not for me. I'm an addict. It sounds dramatic but it's my truth. I feel out of control most of the time. Prior to this, I have eaten sugar all day long. Breakfast was usually a grande, caramel macchiato with whip and 2 cake pops or two donuts from Dunkin Donuts. A snack for me was a coke and an ice cream sundae. And I would eat multiple snacks. I have been dieting for 12 days and already that sounds ridiculous to me.

The truth is, I can't eat sweets and not obsess daily about my next sweet. They take hold of my brain and my mood and control my every thought.

The truth is, diet companies are lying and I frankly think they know it. A healthy person doesn't eat sugar everyday. That person may lose weight but they are not healthy. It was a treat you say?! You just celebrated the fact that it is 2:15 in the afternoon.

I told myself that I would commit to a month without sweets to break the habit and then slowly introduce them again. The past week I have craved badly and started to justify. I could be an attorney with my arguements to myself.

I've done soooo well. It is Friday. Just a little coke. This snack has the SAME calories as a coke, why not just drink that? It is a student's birthday, just one cupcake. I have the calories. I've done so well. It's calories in, calories out. It doesn't matter what you eat.

And then I realize, a cupcake still owns me. Ice cream still tells me what to do. I am NOT in control yet. It may not be a month until I have a treat. It may be longer. And that is ok. The difference between me and the me of two weeks ago is that I would have listened to it and indulged before even realizing my actions. Many times I have been caught with full cheeks before even realizing....I just did that. I just ate an 800 calorie cupcake and I can't take that back.

What I'm Doing

Sigh. I feel like you don't believe me anymore. I post that THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE TIME. Then..it isn't. And I cheat. And I give up. And I gain even more. Everytime.

The truth is, I don't believe myself anymore. I let myself down. I don't trust myself. This time (you know, time 14,287) I didn't tell you. I've only told a couple of people. I waited until now because I'm slowly starting to think what if this IS the time.

I think a yo-yo dieter struggles more than a first timer for these very reasons.

This time around I don't feel monumentally motivated and I don't think I have all the answers. I take it day by day everyday. People say that and I never understood it until now.

A reason I wanted to come back was because I hate reading a weight loss blog when the author started writing after they lost the weight. I want to share all of the terrible, doubtful, and amazing things I am learning everyday. I think the first days are the hardest except the middle days and the end days.

I am on Day 12. My choices are different than the last post I read. I am counting calories and I have not had sweets (with an exception I will get to later) in 12 days.

This time, in the days leading up to January 1st, I wrote, what would a healthy Pamela eat? If I were thin, if I were the person I want to physically look like, what would I eat everyday?

If this is going to be a lifestyle change, I have to choose what I want for my  life.

I'm a teacher and I have planned accordingly.

I start school very early never again will I work at a school that starts at the frickin crack of dawn. I must be in my room by 6:50 which puts me eating an early breakfast between 6:30-7:00 a.m. I a: do not have my crap together to make a meal for that time and b: don't want to eat a large meal at that time.

So, here is a sample of what my daily eating is looking like:

6:30-7:00 Early Breakfast
Light English Muffin 100 calories
Laughing Cow Cream  45 calories
2 Tbl jelly                     45 calories     (the sweet exception I was talking about)

8:45-9:15ish Mid-morning Breakfast (my planning time)
greek yogurt                 110
banana                          110

12:15 Lunch Time
This varies, sometimes premade soup, sometimes ff refried beans with salsa and sour cream, or a wrap with a piece of fruit. It usually ends up being around 300 calories.

4:00 Either when I get home or if I have meetings I take it to school.
Wheat organic crackers   130      (just like wheat thins, don't have hfcs and I get 17)
2 Tbl Hummus                   60 or
1 pkg premade Tuna Salad 100 calories

6:00-7:00 Dinner

Usually an omelet because I love them but would NEVER make time in the morning to make one.
Toppings are either:
sundried tomatoes, mushrooms, feta  or
cheddar, tomatoes and bacon
If I have an omelet, I usually have "diet" toast, you know the 35 calorie toast with a little butter and jelly.

If this isn't dinner, I try to make it protein and a side. Last night I had salmon and quinoa which rocked my world. Tonight I'm going to have a filet and potatoes.
I end my day with a grapefruit. I peel all of the bitter skin off which takes me like 20 minutes leaving the tart fruit. Love it and it is 55 calories.

Phew. You're still reading? I love you. I have long post tendencies but the two weeks of Christmas Break I did nothing but research meal plans. I wanted to know, what did successful people eat?

So. I hope you hear words of wisdom if you are on your journey. It has been hard. Everyday. So worth it though. Twelve days is the longest I've stayed on a diet in years so keep reading for more!