The Eternal Girl Scout

Gotten myself into a bit of trouble and this is the only safe place to rant about it. I've always had this problem and I'm torn whether or not it is a good thing or bad thing.

Today I was on WW message boards which I frequent. I love them! They always have good ideas and offer encouragement. I don't post a lot. (*cough* it's kind of a pattern of mine) I read almost everyday though. There are several boards to chose from and I usually stick to the 50+ board. I consider myself having between 75-100 pounds to lose but I have just always favored this board. Well, I'm at home today because of break and the board was kind of slow so I started looking at other boards.

I stumbled onto the 100+ board and read several posts. I read on string that 44 people had contributed to. (some repeats I'm sure) It was flat out cyber-bullying. A woman had done a stupid thing that was kind of catty. She apologized profusely for it and they just let her have it. Another apparently infamous woman (among the boards) got involved and was literally cussing out half the board. Of course she was "WW" cussing. Leaving out vowels and such. It was absolutely appalling. So, naturally, because I have an opinion about everything, I said something. My words were along the lines of....wow, ladies. This is sad and catty. People come here for support and encouragement and just, wow.

So, then. My next mistake. (because I don't think) I went to my normal board and said, I really appreciate that everyone here is so friendly and supportive. I just witnessed ladies trashing each other and I appreciate that no one does that here.

Well, I had a LOT of support agreeing with me about other boards being catty and most saying they loved the board as well. WELL. Of course, someone came over to my board from that really tacky conversation and totally trashed me, calling me a tattle tale. Really?

We are grown people. Why are you being a high school bully? Afterwards, she went back to her board and started a post with no other intention but to trash me. Another catty post-er said that she, "told me to blow it out you know where" (we're going to discuss what that means on a later post) at which everybody laughed at. I'm not sure exactly where and when she told me this but she didn't do so in the form of words nor to me.

I expected backlash because they had already shown a lack of class but the worst was receiving backlash from people who just assumed that I had ticked someone off on another board and I was coming to complain about it. I said back on my board's post, "my intentions were to only praise my board and show appreciation for the love and support. I appreciate everyone who understood my intentions and apologize to those who don't. I'm taking my dog out of this fight."

What really just pisses me off is that like an hour later she posted a post pretty much implying that I was insincere and trying to manipulate the board. BIA-you didn't even read the 100+ board. They were literally tearing someone apart until the person said that they weren't coming back anymore. It was NOT APPROPRIATE or OK to talk to someone like that.

So. I did send a quick message to WW just saying that there had been a lot of inappropriate comments on the 100+ board. I don't know what will happen. I'm sure that I'll be blamed and hounded if there are repercussions.

This happens to me. I hate injustice and I hate the weak underdog not fighting for them self. I've always stood up to the "bully" for the underdog and I'm the only one who gets screwed. The other problem is that I honestly surround myself with amazing people. No one in my life is mean or manipulative. (Granted, you cross me and I cut you out of my life faster than a Corleone) I just don't know what is better sometimes. Let it go or continue to fight. It isn't fair for things like that to happen. I'm incredibly naive to hope and fight for a fair world.

So. I'm a pot stirrer. How do you explain to people that you've been blackballed by a bunch of WW members. That was the OTHER part I forgot to tell you. In the "bashing me" post, one person totally said something like, I don't have enough to lose to be around them. It was like Fat Bad Girls Club. Ree-diculous.

Lastly, the biggest problem is that laying down and taking it isn't in my nature. I want to fight. I want to scream and I want to hit below the belt. I want to cuss without vowels, take my earrings off and rumble. I'm am bitter and pissed that people were being asses and now they're bringing it to me. But I can't. Because that's not the woman I want to be. If I bring it, I'm literally as trashy as they are. I genuinely feel sorry for them. These are sad, obese, bitter women and I feel like a lot of this is their source of entertainment. I even stalked one of the super catties just a bit and she has a blog that is something like, The Big Fat Angry Woman. Really? Because, honestly, I'm not angry. I have a lovely life. I have incredible people in my life and I feel very loved. So I can't tell you what for. Because that would encourage you. I don't need negativity in my life.

So. With that being said. It's my year baby. I'm ready for 2012.. I love a fresh start. I'm back on plan and feeling really good.

I Brought It

So. Tonight is a perfect example of how I amaze myself. (hair flip) I sat on the couch for a solid two hours reading about fitness and working out. I still think that's good! It keeps my mind in the right place but also keeps the fat on my fanny. I just have not been up to working out today. I have to go back to work tomorrow after a 5 day break and it is going to be a really hard day. I just wanted to stretch it out as far as possible. So. I sat and pouted. And moaned. And I knew that I would be breaking the very short lived commitment to myself. (I think I told myself like yesterday that I wanted to be active?) I also have learned how much I love working outside and it has rained a solid 36 hours and it's FREEZING. I just wanted to go walk a trail or something and it wasn't an option. This reminded me that I'm about to hit 4 months of crap weather and I can't just not work out.

So...long story short. I did HALF of a P90X video and burned like 300 calories and YAY ME. *peanuts dance*

Cause Ima Rock Star

Life has changed about nine times since we last spoke. I've been thinking about you a lot since I started back on my journey. I still love Another Success Story but I think when I'm all down and out, I think no one wants to hear what I have to say. (um. I am aware that currently no one reads it anyways....I'm thinking about my imaginary weight loss followers)

I am ROCKIN' it right now and it feels really good. It just feels different. It isn't easier. Nothing has clicked by any means but I haven't stopped and that makes me feel good. I weighed in this morning at 201.2. My weigh in for Weight Watchers is on Tuesday and I would REALLY like to be at 199.99999999. Because I'm so close, it has definitely pushed me to work a little harder. Yesterday, I burned 903 calories. I worked for every calorie and I felt like a hard a** a lot of those minutes.

I have a goal of doing something active each day. I WILL be in touch. I promise. Talk to you soon.

Love,

Just Another One of Those Success Stories.

Heavy Again

Today was pretty good. I did not work out, which was planned but diet was pretty on. I had a lot more cravings and some hunger which I think is fine because I've had some lower calorie days. I also had a late start this morning and literally forgot to eat breakfast which threw me off.

Lunch
Salad
-chicken 50
-tomatoes 50
-blue cheese 130
-hard boiled egg 70

Yogurt 90

Snacks
peaches 80
blueberries 50
strawberries 60
hard boiled egg 70

Snacking-cheese 50

Dinner
filet 220
potato 180
sour cream 50
cheese 80
1230

I've fallen in love with the show, Heavy. It was an A&E show and I'm not sure if it is still on but I've discovered it on Netflix. It is people that are much heavier than me, maybe just 50lbs, and it just shows their every emotion through this journey. I love it because it feels like they are the only ones who understand how I feel.

Heavy

I had a pretty good day. I'm in love with my heart rate monitor. I've burned 890 calories in the past two days! I love that it is a watch dedicated to me!

Today I ate,

Breakfast

hard-boiled egg 70
yogurt 90

Lunch

salad
-greens
-tomatoes 40
-blue cheese 130
-chicken 50
-hard-boiled egg 70

strawberries 50

Snack

peaches 80

Dinner

filet 220
potato 190
cheese 100
sour cream 40

1130

Here's to tomorrow.

Negative Nellie

Today was a pretty good day!

I did not eat breakfast this morning which was not intentional, I was just running late.

For lunch I had a salad:
lettuce 5
tomatoes 40
blue cheese 130
chicken 50

yogurt 90

for a snack I had cherries 50

for dinner, I had
a filet 220
a frozen potato 190
sour cream 40
cheese 80
green onions 0

Lastly, I had an apple melon 50 ?
strawberries 25

For a total of 980 or so.

I also played around with my heartrate monitor that I got for my birthday. I just wanted to see what it would be like to I walked and did a couple of short jogging intervals. It says that I burned 256 calories in just 25 minutes. That seems a little high to me. I hope that it is acurate. I'm depending on that accuracy to plan.

I've noticed today that I'm so negative. I'm not sure how to change that. When my boyfriend and I tried P90x, I remember just saying over and over that I couldn't do it. It's not so much me needing to trash myself as it is, I want to say it before someone else does.

I'm a teacher and I feel like I'm negative all day long. I don't know how to change that. I feel like they don't listen to me and they talk to much. I feel like all I do is yell. I don't know how to change this yet.

My goals for tomorrow are eat right and take an evening spinning class. I'm excited to see how many calories I'll burn!

Hard Time

I'm having a rough time lately. There was a point that I was really strong losing weight and I was at about 17lbs loss. I haven't gained it all back but I have gained a few. I've been 4 days on, 3 days off. Those 3 days reverse anything I accomplish in the first 4.

I'm having the severe mental block. I can't get in the zone and believe in myself enough to stay in the zone. During a very heated argument with my fella' recently, he told me I didn't love myself. I actually thought that I liked myself too much. I like me...some me. It's true though, if I loved myself, would I poison my body. Would I value sugar and fat more than myself? How do you change that? When I am making a bad decision or starting a binge I have the afterthought, not the forethought. I regret it just as soon as I have eaten an extra 2,000 calories but I am not mindful as it occurs. What do you do? I justify food as a reward. Either the classic, I've been really good, I deserve it. Or, I've had a hard day, I deserve it. Or even better, might as well, already blew it.

It's hard to face these questions but not have answers. I don't know how to change my mind set. I know how to lose weight. I know how to count calories. I know the nutritional value in food. I don't know how to stick with it.

I feel like the answer is just to stick with it. Just keep doing it everyday. When I first started college, I lost about 50lbs and I remember it being so easy. I remember having the "stick with it". It was effortless. It was just my lifestyle. I feel like the difference is that I've had so many failures this time around. I've started a guaranteed 1,000 diets. I was successful once. Those are hard statistics.

Another challege is that throughout the duration of my relationship I've gained about 100lbs. That is very hard for both of us. I'm not the same. I cared about my appearance. I wore beautiful clothes. I had more confidence. I was nicer to people. I'm bitter now. I'm in a lot of pain. I hurt myself everyday. I've lost faith in myself. I'm not sexy. I'm barely pretty. Those things are hard to face everyday and to still fight the battle despite. I've tried so many times to lose that he doesn't believe in me anymore. He just doesn't understand the mental battle. He doesn't understand how much I depend on food as comfort for every emotion I feel. He doesn't understand that I am capable. I am strong. I am my own worst enemy.

I want this so badly. I have the resources. I just have to create the follow through. I know that I am capable of this.

Healthy Eating? What a concept!

If I haven't mentioned it already (um...maybe I have.) I stopped doing to "fad" diet that a few co-workers were doing. The diet frankly ticked me off. I couldn't have fruit after 2 p.m. I couldn't have a steak. I couldn't have squash. Really? Squash? I enjoy squash. It's my happy, flexible vegetable. Sometimes...I need a piece of fruit after 2 p.m. Sometimes, I'm either going to hurt someone, eat a sundae or eat an orange. Let me have my fruit.

Today I started back to ole tried and true 1200 calories. I didn't hit 1200 today. I know that is because you aire of the side of caution on Day One. Tomorrow, I have no doubt that I will eat 1199 calories.

Tomorrow also starts the Biggest Loser Challenge at my part-time work place. I'm excited about that healthy competition! I'm hoping it is the motivation I need to continue being successful.

I'm very intrigued about how biology and chemistry works in the body. I don't understand the scale. I gained 2 pounds over the course of my day. I try not to look at things like that because I have to have faith that in the long run my body will post the numbers I'm hoping for.

Do you ever forget...

how incredible you are?

I have. I have forgotten how capable, strong-willed and determined I am. I have mentioned that my part-time job is starting a "Biggest Loser" like competition. I have never felt so determined in my life. I love to win. I AM a winner.

Then today, I got myself into a funk. No good reason funk. I started feeling bad about myself and that my task was impossible. I ate frozen yogurt with a bunch of goodness on top that I didn't need. I don't know why. I did decide that I am someone that gets depressed when I'm inactive. That is actually a good thing to know. If I am lethargic, I get super down in the dumps and eat everything in sight. This reminds me that I thrive when active. I am at my most incredible wheb active. So. Be active.

I've also been on this fad-dy diet because of some coworkers. I don't like it. I think it's weird. It wants me to eat foods to try and manipulate my body. I know that if I eat less and work hard, I will lose weight. I know how to do this. I can do this. I will do this.

Hungry Girl

Hello Again,

I'm on Day 4 or so and cravings are getting pretty rotten. Anyone can have a day of motivation but it takes courage to keep going and follow through. Next Wednesday my part-time job is starting a Biggest Loser like challenge. I'm excited! It is exactly what I need to build my momentum. I am a great competitor!

My next goal I need to conquer is working out consistently. I'll kill myself for a couple of workouts then not workout at all. I need create that habit!

Same Ole, Same Ole

So, I was thinking about you bloggy a couple of days ago. I'm ready to try again at this weight loss journey and I was trying to think of a good blog name. I love Another Success Story. I enjoyed blogging for my short period of time. I love to blog but it is hard to log on to say that I've once again failed. I don't want to say those words out loud. Once again, I didn't do it.

I'm confident that I've gained since the last stint at this blog. I'm at about 225 right now, shamefully. I am a little more self aware now....maybe? I now know and have the confidence in myself to know that I have the knowledge and drive to lose weight and be the person I want to be. I just don't have the habit.

I have a lot of things to look forward to in the near future and it breaks my heart to know that I won't be proud of myself in those pictures and memories. The only thing I can do is try. I plan on starting tomorrow. I know that I feel better when I am in control and eating healthy.

I have 23 days until I leave for an exciting Florida vacation. Taking a note from Endurance Isn't Only Physical, I want to commit to 21 days on the same plan. At that time, I can modify my plan for my trip.

I apologize now that the majority of the next several posts will be self-reflective whinning but it's what I need right now. Until I have a reader following and until I'm ready to be exposed, this is my diary for me to process.

So. That was an awesome post. Talk to you tomorrow!