Ruining Life?

I wonder if anyone feels like a failure is a catalyst for further failure? This weight loss/ weight gain cycle has been past the point of detrimental to my life and health. It has created such a cycle of self-hatred and negativity. At some point I thought I could do it and now, I've plummeted my self-esteem so much I wonder if I can.

I live in fear that I'm going to lose my relationship (which I so love) and that I'm going to lose my job all because of something caused by ding dongs and ho-hos. How sad is that? I feel like everyday I am ruining my life and my future. I feel like I throw away potential happiness for a McDonald's cheeseburger. Why is that? I'm so consumed by negativity that I don't know how to escape it. It consumes every bit of my life: work, friends, financial, family. I've lost all respect for me and I treat myself as if no one should respect me either.

Wow. A lot of whining. I know. What I do know is that I am smart enough and special enough to figure this out. I just don't know when. I know this blog isn't typical of what people are looking for in a weight loss blog. It is just a blunder of half-hearted attempts and tries. One day though, when I figure it out, I want someone to have seen the whole journey for what it really looked like.

I'm here. I still want weight loss so desperately but I haven't found my way yet.