Heavy Again

Today was pretty good. I did not work out, which was planned but diet was pretty on. I had a lot more cravings and some hunger which I think is fine because I've had some lower calorie days. I also had a late start this morning and literally forgot to eat breakfast which threw me off.

Lunch
Salad
-chicken 50
-tomatoes 50
-blue cheese 130
-hard boiled egg 70

Yogurt 90

Snacks
peaches 80
blueberries 50
strawberries 60
hard boiled egg 70

Snacking-cheese 50

Dinner
filet 220
potato 180
sour cream 50
cheese 80
1230

I've fallen in love with the show, Heavy. It was an A&E show and I'm not sure if it is still on but I've discovered it on Netflix. It is people that are much heavier than me, maybe just 50lbs, and it just shows their every emotion through this journey. I love it because it feels like they are the only ones who understand how I feel.

Heavy

I had a pretty good day. I'm in love with my heart rate monitor. I've burned 890 calories in the past two days! I love that it is a watch dedicated to me!

Today I ate,

Breakfast

hard-boiled egg 70
yogurt 90

Lunch

salad
-greens
-tomatoes 40
-blue cheese 130
-chicken 50
-hard-boiled egg 70

strawberries 50

Snack

peaches 80

Dinner

filet 220
potato 190
cheese 100
sour cream 40

1130

Here's to tomorrow.

Negative Nellie

Today was a pretty good day!

I did not eat breakfast this morning which was not intentional, I was just running late.

For lunch I had a salad:
lettuce 5
tomatoes 40
blue cheese 130
chicken 50

yogurt 90

for a snack I had cherries 50

for dinner, I had
a filet 220
a frozen potato 190
sour cream 40
cheese 80
green onions 0

Lastly, I had an apple melon 50 ?
strawberries 25

For a total of 980 or so.

I also played around with my heartrate monitor that I got for my birthday. I just wanted to see what it would be like to I walked and did a couple of short jogging intervals. It says that I burned 256 calories in just 25 minutes. That seems a little high to me. I hope that it is acurate. I'm depending on that accuracy to plan.

I've noticed today that I'm so negative. I'm not sure how to change that. When my boyfriend and I tried P90x, I remember just saying over and over that I couldn't do it. It's not so much me needing to trash myself as it is, I want to say it before someone else does.

I'm a teacher and I feel like I'm negative all day long. I don't know how to change that. I feel like they don't listen to me and they talk to much. I feel like all I do is yell. I don't know how to change this yet.

My goals for tomorrow are eat right and take an evening spinning class. I'm excited to see how many calories I'll burn!

Hard Time

I'm having a rough time lately. There was a point that I was really strong losing weight and I was at about 17lbs loss. I haven't gained it all back but I have gained a few. I've been 4 days on, 3 days off. Those 3 days reverse anything I accomplish in the first 4.

I'm having the severe mental block. I can't get in the zone and believe in myself enough to stay in the zone. During a very heated argument with my fella' recently, he told me I didn't love myself. I actually thought that I liked myself too much. I like me...some me. It's true though, if I loved myself, would I poison my body. Would I value sugar and fat more than myself? How do you change that? When I am making a bad decision or starting a binge I have the afterthought, not the forethought. I regret it just as soon as I have eaten an extra 2,000 calories but I am not mindful as it occurs. What do you do? I justify food as a reward. Either the classic, I've been really good, I deserve it. Or, I've had a hard day, I deserve it. Or even better, might as well, already blew it.

It's hard to face these questions but not have answers. I don't know how to change my mind set. I know how to lose weight. I know how to count calories. I know the nutritional value in food. I don't know how to stick with it.

I feel like the answer is just to stick with it. Just keep doing it everyday. When I first started college, I lost about 50lbs and I remember it being so easy. I remember having the "stick with it". It was effortless. It was just my lifestyle. I feel like the difference is that I've had so many failures this time around. I've started a guaranteed 1,000 diets. I was successful once. Those are hard statistics.

Another challege is that throughout the duration of my relationship I've gained about 100lbs. That is very hard for both of us. I'm not the same. I cared about my appearance. I wore beautiful clothes. I had more confidence. I was nicer to people. I'm bitter now. I'm in a lot of pain. I hurt myself everyday. I've lost faith in myself. I'm not sexy. I'm barely pretty. Those things are hard to face everyday and to still fight the battle despite. I've tried so many times to lose that he doesn't believe in me anymore. He just doesn't understand the mental battle. He doesn't understand how much I depend on food as comfort for every emotion I feel. He doesn't understand that I am capable. I am strong. I am my own worst enemy.

I want this so badly. I have the resources. I just have to create the follow through. I know that I am capable of this.