Hard Time

I'm having a rough time lately. There was a point that I was really strong losing weight and I was at about 17lbs loss. I haven't gained it all back but I have gained a few. I've been 4 days on, 3 days off. Those 3 days reverse anything I accomplish in the first 4.

I'm having the severe mental block. I can't get in the zone and believe in myself enough to stay in the zone. During a very heated argument with my fella' recently, he told me I didn't love myself. I actually thought that I liked myself too much. I like me...some me. It's true though, if I loved myself, would I poison my body. Would I value sugar and fat more than myself? How do you change that? When I am making a bad decision or starting a binge I have the afterthought, not the forethought. I regret it just as soon as I have eaten an extra 2,000 calories but I am not mindful as it occurs. What do you do? I justify food as a reward. Either the classic, I've been really good, I deserve it. Or, I've had a hard day, I deserve it. Or even better, might as well, already blew it.

It's hard to face these questions but not have answers. I don't know how to change my mind set. I know how to lose weight. I know how to count calories. I know the nutritional value in food. I don't know how to stick with it.

I feel like the answer is just to stick with it. Just keep doing it everyday. When I first started college, I lost about 50lbs and I remember it being so easy. I remember having the "stick with it". It was effortless. It was just my lifestyle. I feel like the difference is that I've had so many failures this time around. I've started a guaranteed 1,000 diets. I was successful once. Those are hard statistics.

Another challege is that throughout the duration of my relationship I've gained about 100lbs. That is very hard for both of us. I'm not the same. I cared about my appearance. I wore beautiful clothes. I had more confidence. I was nicer to people. I'm bitter now. I'm in a lot of pain. I hurt myself everyday. I've lost faith in myself. I'm not sexy. I'm barely pretty. Those things are hard to face everyday and to still fight the battle despite. I've tried so many times to lose that he doesn't believe in me anymore. He just doesn't understand the mental battle. He doesn't understand how much I depend on food as comfort for every emotion I feel. He doesn't understand that I am capable. I am strong. I am my own worst enemy.

I want this so badly. I have the resources. I just have to create the follow through. I know that I am capable of this.