What happened to treats?

If you listen to diet programs advertising, they always preach how you can eat AAANNNYYTTTHHHIINNNGG you want. Full Metal Jacket? Anyone? If you eat your daily donuts in moderation or your candy bars or your sod-y pop then you will still lose weight. Have your cake baby!

This may be true for some but not for me. I'm an addict. It sounds dramatic but it's my truth. I feel out of control most of the time. Prior to this, I have eaten sugar all day long. Breakfast was usually a grande, caramel macchiato with whip and 2 cake pops or two donuts from Dunkin Donuts. A snack for me was a coke and an ice cream sundae. And I would eat multiple snacks. I have been dieting for 12 days and already that sounds ridiculous to me.

The truth is, I can't eat sweets and not obsess daily about my next sweet. They take hold of my brain and my mood and control my every thought.

The truth is, diet companies are lying and I frankly think they know it. A healthy person doesn't eat sugar everyday. That person may lose weight but they are not healthy. It was a treat you say?! You just celebrated the fact that it is 2:15 in the afternoon.

I told myself that I would commit to a month without sweets to break the habit and then slowly introduce them again. The past week I have craved badly and started to justify. I could be an attorney with my arguements to myself.

I've done soooo well. It is Friday. Just a little coke. This snack has the SAME calories as a coke, why not just drink that? It is a student's birthday, just one cupcake. I have the calories. I've done so well. It's calories in, calories out. It doesn't matter what you eat.

And then I realize, a cupcake still owns me. Ice cream still tells me what to do. I am NOT in control yet. It may not be a month until I have a treat. It may be longer. And that is ok. The difference between me and the me of two weeks ago is that I would have listened to it and indulged before even realizing my actions. Many times I have been caught with full cheeks before even realizing....I just did that. I just ate an 800 calorie cupcake and I can't take that back.

What I'm Doing

Sigh. I feel like you don't believe me anymore. I post that THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE TIME. Then..it isn't. And I cheat. And I give up. And I gain even more. Everytime.

The truth is, I don't believe myself anymore. I let myself down. I don't trust myself. This time (you know, time 14,287) I didn't tell you. I've only told a couple of people. I waited until now because I'm slowly starting to think what if this IS the time.

I think a yo-yo dieter struggles more than a first timer for these very reasons.

This time around I don't feel monumentally motivated and I don't think I have all the answers. I take it day by day everyday. People say that and I never understood it until now.

A reason I wanted to come back was because I hate reading a weight loss blog when the author started writing after they lost the weight. I want to share all of the terrible, doubtful, and amazing things I am learning everyday. I think the first days are the hardest except the middle days and the end days.

I am on Day 12. My choices are different than the last post I read. I am counting calories and I have not had sweets (with an exception I will get to later) in 12 days.

This time, in the days leading up to January 1st, I wrote, what would a healthy Pamela eat? If I were thin, if I were the person I want to physically look like, what would I eat everyday?

If this is going to be a lifestyle change, I have to choose what I want for my  life.

I'm a teacher and I have planned accordingly.

I start school very early never again will I work at a school that starts at the frickin crack of dawn. I must be in my room by 6:50 which puts me eating an early breakfast between 6:30-7:00 a.m. I a: do not have my crap together to make a meal for that time and b: don't want to eat a large meal at that time.

So, here is a sample of what my daily eating is looking like:

6:30-7:00 Early Breakfast
Light English Muffin 100 calories
Laughing Cow Cream  45 calories
2 Tbl jelly                     45 calories     (the sweet exception I was talking about)

8:45-9:15ish Mid-morning Breakfast (my planning time)
greek yogurt                 110
banana                          110

12:15 Lunch Time
This varies, sometimes premade soup, sometimes ff refried beans with salsa and sour cream, or a wrap with a piece of fruit. It usually ends up being around 300 calories.

4:00 Either when I get home or if I have meetings I take it to school.
Wheat organic crackers   130      (just like wheat thins, don't have hfcs and I get 17)
2 Tbl Hummus                   60 or
1 pkg premade Tuna Salad 100 calories

6:00-7:00 Dinner

Usually an omelet because I love them but would NEVER make time in the morning to make one.
Toppings are either:
sundried tomatoes, mushrooms, feta  or
cheddar, tomatoes and bacon
If I have an omelet, I usually have "diet" toast, you know the 35 calorie toast with a little butter and jelly.

If this isn't dinner, I try to make it protein and a side. Last night I had salmon and quinoa which rocked my world. Tonight I'm going to have a filet and potatoes.
I end my day with a grapefruit. I peel all of the bitter skin off which takes me like 20 minutes leaving the tart fruit. Love it and it is 55 calories.

Phew. You're still reading? I love you. I have long post tendencies but the two weeks of Christmas Break I did nothing but research meal plans. I wanted to know, what did successful people eat?

So. I hope you hear words of wisdom if you are on your journey. It has been hard. Everyday. So worth it though. Twelve days is the longest I've stayed on a diet in years so keep reading for more!

HATE MY LIFE

So...Day One....sucked. We aren't going to pretend it didn't. Still feel like crap but I KNOW this is my body processing all the sugar, etc. I just don't have to life it.

Yesterday,

I ate bacon for breakfast, chicken for lunch, pepperoni for a snack, a couple of pieces of bacon for a snack then two bunless burgers for dinner.

This morning, starting with an omelet.

I'm Going to Meat You So Hard

Hello Long Lost Friend,

I wonder if diet bloggers ever have the "shame" when they are yo-yo champions and they are afraid to face their blog. That is how I feel. It is like telling my best friend that I failed....again.

I'm starting over again and I'm excited about it. I KNOW it will work if I commit. It is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm mentally prepared um, right this moment for that challenge.

I know that any future readers of this post are going to *GASP* when they read the following part but what I DO believe about dieting is that if you find something that works for you and it prepares you for that life change, then BY GOLLY hold on to it. Everyone has their own dieting opinion about what diet is "healthiest". I personally believe that the epidemic of obesity and the diet I currently consume are a helluva lot more unhealthy than a diet I will use to lose weight.

I have decided focus on low carb. I've been encourage by all of the current research that has been published lately. It says that low carb dieters lose a little more and keep it off longer than those who lose in alternate ways.

I also believe that our bodies have NOT had enough time to evolve into processing the amount of sugar we put into it. Sugar makes everything TASTE better so it is in EVERYTHING. Jada Pinkett Smith recently was quoted as saying that she eates to nourish her body, not for enjoyment. That is my ultimate goal that I strive for. I was raised very poor and I believe that poor people embrace food for enjoyment. Every since I have had a dime to my name, I have spent it on food. I even justify making a worse choice as, I deserve this because I can afford it, I work hard.

I have spent several days looking at low carb blogs, bloggers, diet research and other resources. I know about myself that I AM ADDICTED to sugar. I crave it like a heroin addict. I can not continue a life where I justify sugar in my life.

If I pursued other types of diets, I would justify sugar as a part of them which is why I have failed in the past. I can't do that anymore. When I have failed at low carb, it has been because I have been unprepared in planning or because society has pressured me. The sad truth is that society is currently embracing and encouraging a sugar filled life. I AM stronger than that. It is time to show it.

Once again, future readers are going to *GASP*. I've been reading about a "meat fast". As it sounds, you eat meat for 3-5 days. Only meat. I think it would get me into ketosis faster and all of the headaches and unpleasantness faster so I can get through it. Today is a 3 day weekend and I have both Sunday and Monday left to do nothing. I plan to reconsider it on Tuesday when  I start school back.

SOOO! My plan today is:

-bacon for breakfast

-chicken for lunch

-burgers gor dinner

I know to some of you, it may seem extreme but this morning when  I weighed myself, I was at 218.4 and I had a 41 inch waist. That is extreme. That is very scary. It is time. It is my time.

I also have 2 months until I go to New York City. My best friend told me she got engaged yesterday and I believe they are planning a December wedding. It is time!!

Monday Through Wednesday Dieting

I have a syndrome that I have dubbed, Monday through Wednesday Dieting. I start super strong on Monday and throughout the week, I start tapering. By the time Monday rolls around again, I reverse any progress that I've made. It's time to stop this cycle! Anyone have this experience? Any ideas about how to break it?

It has been a great week so far. Went back to an old favorite after getting some burnout from spinning, I've Zumba-ed the past two days. The best part of Zumba is definitely watching all of the professional Zumba-ers out there. You know who I'm talking about. The people who buy the clinky skirts....the people who pop it like they're getting paid for it. God love 'em. Can't hate 'em. They're working out, staying fit and loving it.

Every Damn Day.

Oh, The Sweet Life

Hello friends. I'm not sure why I always feel the need to start the post as if I just answered the phone. I hope you had a marvelous weekend. I did. Yesterday, my fella and I went to farmer's market and to a local orchard to get fruits and veggies. It was a beautiful, cool day which has been a nice change from Hades. Today was lovely as well, did not leave the bed before 1 p.m. except to sneak homemade banana bread. This evening, I met a friend for a beverage at Mellow Mushroom and we shot the breeze for like 2 hours. Don't you love those kind of friends. Marvelous.

I'm getting ready to start my new fresh start. If you haven't gathered, I have one about every couple of weeks or so. I understand that a lot of my posts end up emotional or dramatic because that's what the weight loss journey has been for me. I'm so driven and determined in every other part of my life. I have a really nice life. I'm not sure why I can't wrap my head around this, why it overwelms and makes me feel so weak and worthless. I'm actually rather perky and usually pretty entertaining. One day, maybe when I get a reader, you will get to see this.

Last week was my first week of summer. Monday was incredible. Worked out at the gym, stayed on calories track, jogged a little that night. Tuesday was on plan, went to spinning, ate fine until................ate dinner with some teacher friends (already planned) and just blew it. Wednesday, fine. Thursday, bllleeewww ittt. Friday, bleeewww it. And since I was on a kick, continued to bllloowww it.

If it is so meaningful to me, why haven't I been able to do it? I was thumbing through a little notebook I used to keep and I've been able to maintain like a 15-20 lb weight loss. I'm dissapointed that it hasn't been more BUT that is still something. I will say and write it down that I would like to lose 60 lbs by Christmas. That's 6 months. I truly know that I CAN do this. I've done it before. I just need to create the habit.

Back Baby....Not that I ever left

Hello Dear Friends,

It is Summer and I have been SO ready to get into my groove. I know it has been 6 months since we last spoke but I've thought about you everyday. It has been a great couple of days getting back on track! I have a new goal. I would LOVE to lose 50lbs by November 9th. I'm going to New York City with my new fella and you know what it's like to feel bad about yourself in pictures.

So. I've dedicated to going to the gym Monday-Friday just like it were my job through this summer.

Keep tuned!