Still Waiting For a Success

Hello Dears,

I'm still at it. Dieting. Losing. Gaining. Winning. Losing. Failing. All of it. I went back and read my past few previous posts and I just want to hug me. If I read of another weight loss blogger who struggled as much as I do, I would want to hug them and just cry with them. This is a devastating process. I feel defeated. The hard part: I'm really awesome. And strong. And smart. And would be a freakin' knockout if I lost the weight. ok. cool your jets there sister. Point being: I really can do this. REALLY. So why don't I? Why do I let myself down? Why do I treat myself so badly? um. no. really? If you've got answers, you let me know!

I have spent the last few days looking at really great weight loss blogs and I have found such incredible people out there. Successful, amazing, and inspirational people and I realize that even though I feel so alone this minute, I'm not. So many people have been right where I am and have succeeded. So many are right there with me now. I said a few posts back that I want you to capture my entire journey. So many of the amazing bloggers I have found were a good way into their journey when they began sharing. I get it but I'm always in search of that moment when you drove by the McDonald's and you were thinking about ordering a Big Mac combo and you sat there justifying it to yourself. Finally, you just drove off because it wasn't worth it and you kept up your journey every friggin' day after that. Well, what the hell did you say to yourself? That's what I need to read so that's what I want to write for you.

So, the update. Since my last juicing post (which I seriously want to delete because it is kind of embarrassing), I have tried juicing 3 different times, counting calories once and have now been back at Weight Watchers for the past few days. Yes. I'm aware. It's been like a month. Not to mention that those in between days were ugly, indulgent, sad binges. Can I getta BEEN THERE?

I'm a teacher on summer vacation. I tell myself, this is IT. THE. SUMMER. I lose like 80 pounds! Well, realistically, it's almost more challenging because I'm lacking structure. I wake up when I wake up. My meal times are off. I'm not eating food in front of people which makes me hide justifications easily. I decided that I needed some accountability and structure for a little bit. I don't know if WW is going to be the silver bullet or not. I like counting calories a lot. It is always a favorite but I feel like I need just a bit more.

Stay tuned. I'll be back to talk much more often.

Juicing-An Introduction

Oh, compadres!

I have begun yet another adventure. Some of you will have eye roll opinions and others may be intrigued or may have even heard of my newest fad and love. Juicing. No. Not like smoothies. Yes. Everyday. All day long.

A great thing about juicing is that you can adapt it to what you are hoping for. Just need a little reset after the holidays or an indulgent weekend? Juice for 3 day. Or 7. Or 1 month. Or even longer for larger goals. I have decided to commit to a longer juice fast and naturally I suggest you talk to your doctor to decide what is the best plan for you and your health.

It isn't my first rodeo with juicing though. I juiced for about 2 1/2 weeks (about 2 weeks ago). Lost about 15 pounds so naturally I freaked out, quit and I have no doubt gained a lot of that back. You hear that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them so at this point I should have a Ph.D. in dieting.

The truth is, is that it was the hardest and easiest way I had ever dieted. I had one day of feeling "bad"-headachy, lethargic but otherwise I felt good. I LOVED that I didn't have to make conscious food choices everyday which I understand is not realistic in the real world but once I stop relying on junk food to make me feel better, to soothe me or to entertain me, I hope to make lifelong, smart choices.

It was also ridiculously difficult because I had to be so prepared. There was no room for spontaneously going away for the weekend. No option to grab something quick.

With all of this being said, I'm in again. I LOVED IT. And I miss it. Since the day I quit, approximately 10 days ago, I have felt sick and tired every single day. This time, I plan to blog to keep me accountable and to document for those that are thinking about jumping on the bandwagon.

Workin' on My Fitness

                                                                  from iheartinspiration
Working out has been a struggle. My foot has been in a lot of pain since the beginning of December. It is just now starting to feel some relief. When I started planning this journey, I thought I would focus on the two things I love: yoga and running. or the idea of yoga and running  The bum foot prevented me from doing a lot of yoga and I didn't feel comfortable running on it. Since I began this journey, my body has been craving exercise. It so badly wants to be active. Especially now that it is cold, I have felt that it is impossible to be active.

Luckily, my boyfriend is on a bit of an exercise kick. He and I have begun P90x. We have owned the DVDs for a few years and have dabbled with the program a little bit. We have been back on for a little over a week and my body is loving it. It is definitely difficult and I can't do it all by any means but I can do A LOT of it. Something is better than nothing.

                                                           This is how I feel right now!
                                                              thanks to iheartinspiration

The Right Weigh

from google images

 

Another reason from my long list of reasons why it's different this time is because I haven't weighed myself. I weighed myself on January 1st and saw the highest number I've ever seen on the scale.

In previous attempts I have weighed weekly, bi-weekly, and daily. I've seen the scale shoot up because I had a saltine cracker. I've seen it shoot up because I worked out the night before. I feel like the scale is a bully and I don't want to be bullied by a number.

Sometimes I think about weighing monthly which would make February 1st my next weigh in but then I think, does it matter? Whatever the scale says, is it going to change what I do on February 2nd? I have the fear that I'm still not going to like whatever the scale shows and it will discourage me.

Also, it isn't about the number. It is about me living a healthy life. If I'm doing everything that is right, tracking and working out then that number should get where I want it to go.

I may change my mind but for now, I'm not weighing.

Thoughts?

Still Hanging On!

from iheartinspiration

It's been a week or so since my last post. The first couple or days after were rough. On Saturday, we ended up going to one of our favorite restaurants in Nashville, Firefly Grille. They are known for eclectic food but not an ounce of it fat-free. I knew going into Saturday that I was going to have an indulgent meal. I had a beet salad and their truffle oil macaroni and cheese. It was rich and delicious! worth every calorie

That wasn't the struggle. The struggle came the next day when I realized they would want to have brunch as well. An omelet with cheese, 2 smallish pancakes with syrup, 3 glasses of orange juice, 3 pieces of bacon, and a handful of melon later was the beginning of the end on Sunday. That was followed by a huge piece of chocolate cake from my grocery deli of all places, a Cadbury egg and a coke.

I know the look you are giving me. Poor choices. In 2012, this would have been the beginning of a binge for me. I would have shoveled and continued eating food all night long. The next morning, I woke up right back on track. Also woke up with a belly ache.

Before this, I would have become discouraged at my failures and vowed to start again but wouldn't have. I would spend the next few weeks eating out three times a day and snacking in between. I may have pulled it together for one day but within a couple of days, I would have been discouraged and saddened and stopped. Not this time.

Still going. Still hanging on.

Choices

I hope everyone had a great end to their week. I'm still going strong. I've been able to maintain my routine and haven't had any little slippies which brings me to today's post.

I know that sometimes life happens while dieting. There will be birthday parties, get-togethers and soirees. I just thought I would have more time before life crept in. I've already faced a baby shower and a wedding shower and I just abstained and it wasn't a big deal. Tonight my boyfriend's parents are coming into town and we are going to a favorite restaurant in Nashville. It is the perfect restaurant to take them to. Kind of a contemporary farm to table scene. Which means your entire plate is decided for you without a lot of options. I can't avoid it and that is ok. I ate a little less yesterday. I'm going to eat a little less today and tomorrow I will try to do the same to make up the deficit.

I feel pretty picture perfect this time around. I feel like I am doing a lot of things correctly. One thing that is still a struggle is that I don't see progress. I know it is still early but it can still be defeating when you look in the mirror and feel like a blob.

Yesterday, I went to the mall to piddle a bit and discovered that a pair of pants I WORSHIPED at the GAP was on sale for $24.99. YEEESS. I can do this! I get to the register and the ring up for $8.99!!!!! YYEEESSSSS!!! It was a great moment. Today, I put the pants on. They fit ok but I still feel like a huge blob in them. :(

I know this journey is about patience and I'm working on it but it is still hard.

Choose your hard.

Oh yeah, the calories

Some of you future readers may be wondering exactly how much I eat. I've told you what an average day LOOKS like for me but didn't tell you how much I eat exactly.

People get really excited about 1200 calorie diets. Well for someone who has been average 2500 calories a day, it is quite a sacrifice to more than half what I would normally eat. I've done 1200 before but it is harder for me. I want to gnaw my arm off and I have more cravings. There might be a slight difference on the scale if I ate 1200 but how long could I honestly eat that before I gave up and cheated? Not long.

So, the restriction I've set for myself is 1500 calories. I don't hit it everyday. I usually average around 1350 and I never push it after dinner. That includes eating five decent meals a day. A couple of times because I've been super busy or ridiculously tired, it has been in the 1000-1200 range. Not enough times to be unsafe. I've also hit that 1400-1500 range enough for there to be a balance. It isn't perfect but I NEVER go over.

Before this time, I would do a little 1585 or 1620 telling myself it was fine but it wasn't. That last 100 calories or so were because of poor planning or giving into munchies. Unnecessary.

I also planned 1500 with the intention of lowering it as I begin losing weight. I expect monthly to lower it 100 calories or so.

Just what I'm doing. By all means. Do what you need to do. If I've figured out anything it is that your diet must be all of your doing. It must fit you perfectly.