HATE MY LIFE

So...Day One....sucked. We aren't going to pretend it didn't. Still feel like crap but I KNOW this is my body processing all the sugar, etc. I just don't have to life it.

Yesterday,

I ate bacon for breakfast, chicken for lunch, pepperoni for a snack, a couple of pieces of bacon for a snack then two bunless burgers for dinner.

This morning, starting with an omelet.

I'm Going to Meat You So Hard

Hello Long Lost Friend,

I wonder if diet bloggers ever have the "shame" when they are yo-yo champions and they are afraid to face their blog. That is how I feel. It is like telling my best friend that I failed....again.

I'm starting over again and I'm excited about it. I KNOW it will work if I commit. It is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm mentally prepared um, right this moment for that challenge.

I know that any future readers of this post are going to *GASP* when they read the following part but what I DO believe about dieting is that if you find something that works for you and it prepares you for that life change, then BY GOLLY hold on to it. Everyone has their own dieting opinion about what diet is "healthiest". I personally believe that the epidemic of obesity and the diet I currently consume are a helluva lot more unhealthy than a diet I will use to lose weight.

I have decided focus on low carb. I've been encourage by all of the current research that has been published lately. It says that low carb dieters lose a little more and keep it off longer than those who lose in alternate ways.

I also believe that our bodies have NOT had enough time to evolve into processing the amount of sugar we put into it. Sugar makes everything TASTE better so it is in EVERYTHING. Jada Pinkett Smith recently was quoted as saying that she eates to nourish her body, not for enjoyment. That is my ultimate goal that I strive for. I was raised very poor and I believe that poor people embrace food for enjoyment. Every since I have had a dime to my name, I have spent it on food. I even justify making a worse choice as, I deserve this because I can afford it, I work hard.

I have spent several days looking at low carb blogs, bloggers, diet research and other resources. I know about myself that I AM ADDICTED to sugar. I crave it like a heroin addict. I can not continue a life where I justify sugar in my life.

If I pursued other types of diets, I would justify sugar as a part of them which is why I have failed in the past. I can't do that anymore. When I have failed at low carb, it has been because I have been unprepared in planning or because society has pressured me. The sad truth is that society is currently embracing and encouraging a sugar filled life. I AM stronger than that. It is time to show it.

Once again, future readers are going to *GASP*. I've been reading about a "meat fast". As it sounds, you eat meat for 3-5 days. Only meat. I think it would get me into ketosis faster and all of the headaches and unpleasantness faster so I can get through it. Today is a 3 day weekend and I have both Sunday and Monday left to do nothing. I plan to reconsider it on Tuesday when  I start school back.

SOOO! My plan today is:

-bacon for breakfast

-chicken for lunch

-burgers gor dinner

I know to some of you, it may seem extreme but this morning when  I weighed myself, I was at 218.4 and I had a 41 inch waist. That is extreme. That is very scary. It is time. It is my time.

I also have 2 months until I go to New York City. My best friend told me she got engaged yesterday and I believe they are planning a December wedding. It is time!!

Monday Through Wednesday Dieting

I have a syndrome that I have dubbed, Monday through Wednesday Dieting. I start super strong on Monday and throughout the week, I start tapering. By the time Monday rolls around again, I reverse any progress that I've made. It's time to stop this cycle! Anyone have this experience? Any ideas about how to break it?

It has been a great week so far. Went back to an old favorite after getting some burnout from spinning, I've Zumba-ed the past two days. The best part of Zumba is definitely watching all of the professional Zumba-ers out there. You know who I'm talking about. The people who buy the clinky skirts....the people who pop it like they're getting paid for it. God love 'em. Can't hate 'em. They're working out, staying fit and loving it.

Every Damn Day.

Oh, The Sweet Life

Hello friends. I'm not sure why I always feel the need to start the post as if I just answered the phone. I hope you had a marvelous weekend. I did. Yesterday, my fella and I went to farmer's market and to a local orchard to get fruits and veggies. It was a beautiful, cool day which has been a nice change from Hades. Today was lovely as well, did not leave the bed before 1 p.m. except to sneak homemade banana bread. This evening, I met a friend for a beverage at Mellow Mushroom and we shot the breeze for like 2 hours. Don't you love those kind of friends. Marvelous.

I'm getting ready to start my new fresh start. If you haven't gathered, I have one about every couple of weeks or so. I understand that a lot of my posts end up emotional or dramatic because that's what the weight loss journey has been for me. I'm so driven and determined in every other part of my life. I have a really nice life. I'm not sure why I can't wrap my head around this, why it overwelms and makes me feel so weak and worthless. I'm actually rather perky and usually pretty entertaining. One day, maybe when I get a reader, you will get to see this.

Last week was my first week of summer. Monday was incredible. Worked out at the gym, stayed on calories track, jogged a little that night. Tuesday was on plan, went to spinning, ate fine until................ate dinner with some teacher friends (already planned) and just blew it. Wednesday, fine. Thursday, bllleeewww ittt. Friday, bleeewww it. And since I was on a kick, continued to bllloowww it.

If it is so meaningful to me, why haven't I been able to do it? I was thumbing through a little notebook I used to keep and I've been able to maintain like a 15-20 lb weight loss. I'm dissapointed that it hasn't been more BUT that is still something. I will say and write it down that I would like to lose 60 lbs by Christmas. That's 6 months. I truly know that I CAN do this. I've done it before. I just need to create the habit.

Back Baby....Not that I ever left

Hello Dear Friends,

It is Summer and I have been SO ready to get into my groove. I know it has been 6 months since we last spoke but I've thought about you everyday. It has been a great couple of days getting back on track! I have a new goal. I would LOVE to lose 50lbs by November 9th. I'm going to New York City with my new fella and you know what it's like to feel bad about yourself in pictures.

So. I've dedicated to going to the gym Monday-Friday just like it were my job through this summer.

Keep tuned!

The Eternal Girl Scout

Gotten myself into a bit of trouble and this is the only safe place to rant about it. I've always had this problem and I'm torn whether or not it is a good thing or bad thing.

Today I was on WW message boards which I frequent. I love them! They always have good ideas and offer encouragement. I don't post a lot. (*cough* it's kind of a pattern of mine) I read almost everyday though. There are several boards to chose from and I usually stick to the 50+ board. I consider myself having between 75-100 pounds to lose but I have just always favored this board. Well, I'm at home today because of break and the board was kind of slow so I started looking at other boards.

I stumbled onto the 100+ board and read several posts. I read on string that 44 people had contributed to. (some repeats I'm sure) It was flat out cyber-bullying. A woman had done a stupid thing that was kind of catty. She apologized profusely for it and they just let her have it. Another apparently infamous woman (among the boards) got involved and was literally cussing out half the board. Of course she was "WW" cussing. Leaving out vowels and such. It was absolutely appalling. So, naturally, because I have an opinion about everything, I said something. My words were along the lines of....wow, ladies. This is sad and catty. People come here for support and encouragement and just, wow.

So, then. My next mistake. (because I don't think) I went to my normal board and said, I really appreciate that everyone here is so friendly and supportive. I just witnessed ladies trashing each other and I appreciate that no one does that here.

Well, I had a LOT of support agreeing with me about other boards being catty and most saying they loved the board as well. WELL. Of course, someone came over to my board from that really tacky conversation and totally trashed me, calling me a tattle tale. Really?

We are grown people. Why are you being a high school bully? Afterwards, she went back to her board and started a post with no other intention but to trash me. Another catty post-er said that she, "told me to blow it out you know where" (we're going to discuss what that means on a later post) at which everybody laughed at. I'm not sure exactly where and when she told me this but she didn't do so in the form of words nor to me.

I expected backlash because they had already shown a lack of class but the worst was receiving backlash from people who just assumed that I had ticked someone off on another board and I was coming to complain about it. I said back on my board's post, "my intentions were to only praise my board and show appreciation for the love and support. I appreciate everyone who understood my intentions and apologize to those who don't. I'm taking my dog out of this fight."

What really just pisses me off is that like an hour later she posted a post pretty much implying that I was insincere and trying to manipulate the board. BIA-you didn't even read the 100+ board. They were literally tearing someone apart until the person said that they weren't coming back anymore. It was NOT APPROPRIATE or OK to talk to someone like that.

So. I did send a quick message to WW just saying that there had been a lot of inappropriate comments on the 100+ board. I don't know what will happen. I'm sure that I'll be blamed and hounded if there are repercussions.

This happens to me. I hate injustice and I hate the weak underdog not fighting for them self. I've always stood up to the "bully" for the underdog and I'm the only one who gets screwed. The other problem is that I honestly surround myself with amazing people. No one in my life is mean or manipulative. (Granted, you cross me and I cut you out of my life faster than a Corleone) I just don't know what is better sometimes. Let it go or continue to fight. It isn't fair for things like that to happen. I'm incredibly naive to hope and fight for a fair world.

So. I'm a pot stirrer. How do you explain to people that you've been blackballed by a bunch of WW members. That was the OTHER part I forgot to tell you. In the "bashing me" post, one person totally said something like, I don't have enough to lose to be around them. It was like Fat Bad Girls Club. Ree-diculous.

Lastly, the biggest problem is that laying down and taking it isn't in my nature. I want to fight. I want to scream and I want to hit below the belt. I want to cuss without vowels, take my earrings off and rumble. I'm am bitter and pissed that people were being asses and now they're bringing it to me. But I can't. Because that's not the woman I want to be. If I bring it, I'm literally as trashy as they are. I genuinely feel sorry for them. These are sad, obese, bitter women and I feel like a lot of this is their source of entertainment. I even stalked one of the super catties just a bit and she has a blog that is something like, The Big Fat Angry Woman. Really? Because, honestly, I'm not angry. I have a lovely life. I have incredible people in my life and I feel very loved. So I can't tell you what for. Because that would encourage you. I don't need negativity in my life.

So. With that being said. It's my year baby. I'm ready for 2012.. I love a fresh start. I'm back on plan and feeling really good.

I Brought It

So. Tonight is a perfect example of how I amaze myself. (hair flip) I sat on the couch for a solid two hours reading about fitness and working out. I still think that's good! It keeps my mind in the right place but also keeps the fat on my fanny. I just have not been up to working out today. I have to go back to work tomorrow after a 5 day break and it is going to be a really hard day. I just wanted to stretch it out as far as possible. So. I sat and pouted. And moaned. And I knew that I would be breaking the very short lived commitment to myself. (I think I told myself like yesterday that I wanted to be active?) I also have learned how much I love working outside and it has rained a solid 36 hours and it's FREEZING. I just wanted to go walk a trail or something and it wasn't an option. This reminded me that I'm about to hit 4 months of crap weather and I can't just not work out.

So...long story short. I did HALF of a P90X video and burned like 300 calories and YAY ME. *peanuts dance*