I wonder if anyone feels like a failure is a catalyst for further failure? This weight loss/ weight gain cycle has been past the point of detrimental to my life and health. It has created such a cycle of self-hatred and negativity. At some point I thought I could do it and now, I've plummeted my self-esteem so much I wonder if I can.
I live in fear that I'm going to lose my relationship (which I so love) and that I'm going to lose my job all because of something caused by ding dongs and ho-hos. How sad is that? I feel like everyday I am ruining my life and my future. I feel like I throw away potential happiness for a McDonald's cheeseburger. Why is that? I'm so consumed by negativity that I don't know how to escape it. It consumes every bit of my life: work, friends, financial, family. I've lost all respect for me and I treat myself as if no one should respect me either.
Wow. A lot of whining. I know. What I do know is that I am smart enough and special enough to figure this out. I just don't know when. I know this blog isn't typical of what people are looking for in a weight loss blog. It is just a blunder of half-hearted attempts and tries. One day though, when I figure it out, I want someone to have seen the whole journey for what it really looked like.
I'm here. I still want weight loss so desperately but I haven't found my way yet.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
No Subject
Why do they make you title your blogs? Sometimes I don't have a name for it.
I've been back just a couple of days from Chicago. I'm truly proud of myself for several of the choices I made. I will post several pictures soon. There is still some sorting and uploading to do. When I make that post, I'll tell you all about vacation food!
I stated planning and thinking that I would start juicing when I came back from Chicago and after a training I had yesterday. Today, I woke up and started looking at juicing recipes and blogs immediately and continued to do so for hours. Finally, I just said eff it and I ate some oatmeal with PB2, flax seeds, a little honey and a banana.
It's been a hard day. I feel like a failure that can't stick with anything. Why juicing? Because I know it drops pounds. It's not how I want to live my life though.
On my first lunch day with my new teaching team, one team member made a comment about another saying that she was always super healthy. I want that for myself. I want someone to refer to me as a super healthy eater or the healthiest person they know.
I'm back to counting calories. I ask for prayers and strength that I don't have today.
I've been back just a couple of days from Chicago. I'm truly proud of myself for several of the choices I made. I will post several pictures soon. There is still some sorting and uploading to do. When I make that post, I'll tell you all about vacation food!
I stated planning and thinking that I would start juicing when I came back from Chicago and after a training I had yesterday. Today, I woke up and started looking at juicing recipes and blogs immediately and continued to do so for hours. Finally, I just said eff it and I ate some oatmeal with PB2, flax seeds, a little honey and a banana.
It's been a hard day. I feel like a failure that can't stick with anything. Why juicing? Because I know it drops pounds. It's not how I want to live my life though.
On my first lunch day with my new teaching team, one team member made a comment about another saying that she was always super healthy. I want that for myself. I want someone to refer to me as a super healthy eater or the healthiest person they know.
I'm back to counting calories. I ask for prayers and strength that I don't have today.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Movin and Groovin Baby
Hello All,
Hope everyone is having a successful week so far. I'm doing ok. I'm actually on my way to my 2nd Weight Watchers meeting. After this, it gets a little funky and will be a true test of strength. This weekend I'm going to Chicago for a little weekender getaway with my wonderful fella. I think Chicago is infamously known for like more eateries per capita. Even if I made that up, it certainly feels like it. Luckily, we have already picked all of the restaurants that we plan on going to which all have online menus. The goal is to pick what I'm going to eat and do a rough sketch of points prior to going.
Also, another little troublemaker is that I can't attend my normal meeting next week due to a training. I'll have to attend the later that day meeting. This isn't too catastrophic because that is the meeting I intend on being my permanent meeting after school starts. I hate weighing later in the day though. Especially during the school year because I've been on my feet all day and I swear I swell 45 pounds from when I first get up.
On more fun notes, I am attending my first Tai Chi class today. Super intimidated. I'm not sure what to expect and I have absolutely no balance or sense of grace so this should be good. I have just moved to a new town that is very small.God grant me a Target. I just discovered that it does have a yoga studio though. I do love yoga. I'm not good at it but it makes me feel good. Anyways, longest explanantion ever With the package I purchased, I get unlimited classes for the next two weeks! I thought I would try something new. I might be the Chi master. Probably not. But maybe!
I'll try to sneak a picture for you!
Hope everyone is having a successful week so far. I'm doing ok. I'm actually on my way to my 2nd Weight Watchers meeting. After this, it gets a little funky and will be a true test of strength. This weekend I'm going to Chicago for a little weekender getaway with my wonderful fella. I think Chicago is infamously known for like more eateries per capita. Even if I made that up, it certainly feels like it. Luckily, we have already picked all of the restaurants that we plan on going to which all have online menus. The goal is to pick what I'm going to eat and do a rough sketch of points prior to going.
Also, another little troublemaker is that I can't attend my normal meeting next week due to a training. I'll have to attend the later that day meeting. This isn't too catastrophic because that is the meeting I intend on being my permanent meeting after school starts. I hate weighing later in the day though. Especially during the school year because I've been on my feet all day and I swear I swell 45 pounds from when I first get up.
On more fun notes, I am attending my first Tai Chi class today. Super intimidated. I'm not sure what to expect and I have absolutely no balance or sense of grace so this should be good. I have just moved to a new town that is very small.
I'll try to sneak a picture for you!
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Still Waiting For a Success
Hello Dears,
I'm still at it. Dieting. Losing. Gaining. Winning. Losing. Failing. All of it. I went back and read my past few previous posts and I just want to hug me. If I read of another weight loss blogger who struggled as much as I do, I would want to hug them and just cry with them. This is a devastating process. I feel defeated. The hard part: I'm really awesome. And strong. And smart. And would be a freakin' knockout if I lost the weight.ok. cool your jets there sister. Point being: I really can do this. REALLY. So why don't I? Why do I let myself down? Why do I treat myself so badly? um. no. really? If you've got answers, you let me know!
I have spent the last few days looking at really great weight loss blogs and I have found such incredible people out there. Successful, amazing, and inspirational people and I realize that even though I feel so alone this minute, I'm not. So many people have been right where I am and have succeeded. So many are right there with me now. I said a few posts back that I want you to capture my entire journey. So many of the amazing bloggers I have found were a good way into their journey when they began sharing. I get it but I'm always in search of that moment when you drove by the McDonald's and you were thinking about ordering a Big Mac combo and you sat there justifying it to yourself. Finally, you just drove off because it wasn't worth it and you kept up your journey every friggin' day after that. Well, what the hell did you say to yourself? That's what I need to read so that's what I want to write for you.
So, the update. Since my last juicing post (which I seriously want to delete because it is kind of embarrassing), I have tried juicing 3 different times, counting calories once and have now been back at Weight Watchers for the past few days. Yes. I'm aware. It's been like a month. Not to mention that those in between days were ugly, indulgent, sad binges. Can I getta BEEN THERE?
I'm a teacher on summer vacation. I tell myself, this is IT. THE. SUMMER. I lose like 80 pounds! Well, realistically, it's almost more challenging because I'm lacking structure. I wake up when I wake up. My meal times are off. I'm not eating food in front of people which makes me hide justifications easily. I decided that I needed some accountability and structure for a little bit. I don't know if WW is going to be the silver bullet or not. I like counting calories a lot. It is always a favorite but I feel like I need just a bit more.
Stay tuned. I'll be back to talk much more often.
I'm still at it. Dieting. Losing. Gaining. Winning. Losing. Failing. All of it. I went back and read my past few previous posts and I just want to hug me. If I read of another weight loss blogger who struggled as much as I do, I would want to hug them and just cry with them. This is a devastating process. I feel defeated. The hard part: I'm really awesome. And strong. And smart. And would be a freakin' knockout if I lost the weight.
I have spent the last few days looking at really great weight loss blogs and I have found such incredible people out there. Successful, amazing, and inspirational people and I realize that even though I feel so alone this minute, I'm not. So many people have been right where I am and have succeeded. So many are right there with me now. I said a few posts back that I want you to capture my entire journey. So many of the amazing bloggers I have found were a good way into their journey when they began sharing. I get it but I'm always in search of that moment when you drove by the McDonald's and you were thinking about ordering a Big Mac combo and you sat there justifying it to yourself. Finally, you just drove off because it wasn't worth it and you kept up your journey every friggin' day after that. Well, what the hell did you say to yourself? That's what I need to read so that's what I want to write for you.
So, the update. Since my last juicing post (which I seriously want to delete because it is kind of embarrassing), I have tried juicing 3 different times, counting calories once and have now been back at Weight Watchers for the past few days. Yes. I'm aware. It's been like a month. Not to mention that those in between days were ugly, indulgent, sad binges. Can I getta BEEN THERE?
I'm a teacher on summer vacation. I tell myself, this is IT. THE. SUMMER. I lose like 80 pounds! Well, realistically, it's almost more challenging because I'm lacking structure. I wake up when I wake up. My meal times are off. I'm not eating food in front of people which makes me hide justifications easily. I decided that I needed some accountability and structure for a little bit. I don't know if WW is going to be the silver bullet or not. I like counting calories a lot. It is always a favorite but I feel like I need just a bit more.
Stay tuned. I'll be back to talk much more often.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Juicing-An Introduction
Oh, compadres!
I have begun yet another adventure. Some of you will have eye roll opinions and others may be intrigued or may have even heard of my newest fad and love. Juicing. No. Not like smoothies. Yes. Everyday. All day long.
A great thing about juicing is that you can adapt it to what you are hoping for. Just need a little reset after the holidays or an indulgent weekend? Juice for 3 day. Or 7. Or 1 month. Or even longer for larger goals. I have decided to commit to a longer juice fast and naturally I suggest you talk to your doctor to decide what is the best plan for you and your health.
It isn't my first rodeo with juicing though. I juiced for about 2 1/2 weeks (about 2 weeks ago). Lost about 15 pounds so naturally I freaked out, quit and I have no doubt gained a lot of that back. You hear that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them so at this point I should have a Ph.D. in dieting.
The truth is, is that it was the hardest and easiest way I had ever dieted. I had one day of feeling "bad"-headachy, lethargic but otherwise I felt good. I LOVED that I didn't have to make conscious food choices everyday which I understand is not realistic in the real world but once I stop relying on junk food to make me feel better, to soothe me or to entertain me, I hope to make lifelong, smart choices.
It was also ridiculously difficult because I had to be so prepared. There was no room for spontaneously going away for the weekend. No option to grab something quick.
With all of this being said, I'm in again. I LOVED IT. And I miss it. Since the day I quit, approximately 10 days ago, I have felt sick and tired every single day. This time, I plan to blog to keep me accountable and to document for those that are thinking about jumping on the bandwagon.
I have begun yet another adventure. Some of you will have eye roll opinions and others may be intrigued or may have even heard of my newest fad and love. Juicing. No. Not like smoothies. Yes. Everyday. All day long.
A great thing about juicing is that you can adapt it to what you are hoping for. Just need a little reset after the holidays or an indulgent weekend? Juice for 3 day. Or 7. Or 1 month. Or even longer for larger goals. I have decided to commit to a longer juice fast and naturally I suggest you talk to your doctor to decide what is the best plan for you and your health.
It isn't my first rodeo with juicing though. I juiced for about 2 1/2 weeks (about 2 weeks ago). Lost about 15 pounds so naturally I freaked out, quit and I have no doubt gained a lot of that back. You hear that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them so at this point I should have a Ph.D. in dieting.
The truth is, is that it was the hardest and easiest way I had ever dieted. I had one day of feeling "bad"-headachy, lethargic but otherwise I felt good. I LOVED that I didn't have to make conscious food choices everyday which I understand is not realistic in the real world but once I stop relying on junk food to make me feel better, to soothe me or to entertain me, I hope to make lifelong, smart choices.
It was also ridiculously difficult because I had to be so prepared. There was no room for spontaneously going away for the weekend. No option to grab something quick.
With all of this being said, I'm in again. I LOVED IT. And I miss it. Since the day I quit, approximately 10 days ago, I have felt sick and tired every single day. This time, I plan to blog to keep me accountable and to document for those that are thinking about jumping on the bandwagon.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Workin' on My Fitness
Working out has been a struggle. My foot has been in a lot of pain since the beginning of December. It is just now starting to feel some relief. When I started planning this journey, I thought I would focus on the two things I love: yoga and running.
Luckily, my boyfriend is on a bit of an exercise kick. He and I have begun P90x. We have owned the DVDs for a few years and have dabbled with the program a little bit. We have been back on for a little over a week and my body is loving it. It is definitely difficult and I can't do it all by any means but I can do A LOT of it. Something is better than nothing.
thanks to iheartinspiration
Saturday, January 26, 2013
The Right Weigh
Another reason from my long list of reasons why it's different this time is because I haven't weighed myself. I weighed myself on January 1st and saw the highest number I've ever seen on the scale.
In previous attempts I have weighed weekly, bi-weekly, and daily. I've seen the scale shoot up because I had a saltine cracker. I've seen it shoot up because I worked out the night before. I feel like the scale is a bully and I don't want to be bullied by a number.
Sometimes I think about weighing monthly which would make February 1st my next weigh in but then I think, does it matter? Whatever the scale says, is it going to change what I do on February 2nd? I have the fear that I'm still not going to like whatever the scale shows and it will discourage me.
Also, it isn't about the number. It is about me living a healthy life. If I'm doing everything that is right, tracking and working out then that number should get where I want it to go.
I may change my mind but for now, I'm not weighing.
Thoughts?
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