Thankful

I'm thankful for the blessed life I have.

I'm thankful for being loved beyond measure.

I'm thankful for a healthy body that works pretty well.

I'm thankful for the resources like healthy groceries and a membership to the Y that will help me reach my dreams.

Sometimes I forget about these things. I become a bit grinch-y around the holidays because it reminds me what I don't have. 

I've had two binge days since I began 11/16. Monday and Tuesday of this week. They were hard and emotional and not worth the food or time wasted. I pulled myself back together yesterday and I feel strong that I did so. Before, that would have turned into a month or two long binge. I can do this. Even when I think I can't, I can.

I'm also a bit scrouge-y because it's Thanksgiving and I'm working my retail job. I've never appreciate service men or women and those who work in restaurants like I do today. I've also never despised consumerism or have been more aware of how much we don't need. 

Full disclosure: I did volunteer, I did it for the young girls who would be away from their family and for the young mothers. No one should have to work this day. I also maybe did it for a bit of selfish reasons. I didn't want an opportunity to overeat, I'm feeling weak and need no distractions.

Hold your loved ones close, be grateful for what you have and have a Happy Thanksgiving!

I Embarrass Me

Doing pretty well. Down 9.6 pounds. Working hard. Had the day off because I had to go to doctor and get my foot x-rayed. I decided to drive to some nearby outlets and do a little Christmas shopping. Naturally, it's freezing so I decided to treat myself to a hot chocolate from Ghiradelli  (counting those calories of course).

While drinking my Ghiradelli heaven, I walked into the gap only to begin profusely throwing up all over the store and myself. I have no explanation. Too rich? Too sweet? Belly too full? I embarrass me. 

Healthy is Hard

Still here! Still struggling. Healthy is hard. Thin is hard. One day it won't be. I have to know that. Today it is. I started back yesterday at 244.6. Obviously, I expected to wake up a svelte 125.6. Instead, 244.2. 

Taking it day by day. Slowly creating the life I want. .2 pounds at a time.

First Weigh In

Last night I had my first weigh in since coming back to Weight Watchers. I truthfully was a little worried.

I worked hard all week but New Year's Eve was quite indulgent. As in 48 weeklies indulgent in Weight Watchers speak. I wasn't out of control. I said prior to beginning festivities exactly what I was going to have and that's what I had. That actually feels pretty good.

If you have read any previous posts, you will know that I don't like to weigh in. I really try to focus on the journey and the day to day healthy eating because fluxuations  on the scale always break my spirit.

So, without further adieu....*drum roll*...I lost 7.4. Oh. My. I was pleased. I know it's a one time thing so I better enjoy it. That weigh in just showed me that I'm on the right track and my hard work is paying off. Just gotta keep on, keepin' on.

Now's also a good time for reflection on what is working and what is not working.

Typical meals include:

-cranberry English muffins with a laughing cow wedge
-omelets with goat cheese and sundried tomatoes, paired with toast
-veggie quesadillas
-bean and cheese tacos
-salmon and quinoa
-blue cheese wedge salads

and I've been pleased. I have made several of these meals lighter but they are all favorite items. I start back to school next week and I have already started making meal plans to keep the flow going! Think supportive thoughts for me! The battle has just begun!

Following the Path

You may not be religious and that's ok. I love my faith. It gives me peace. It helps explain the unexplainable and makes me feel less alone. I feel like God has set me up for success this time around and it is just my job to follow the path that has been laid out for me.

If you have read any previous posts, you know, I struggle. A lot. I have had so many failure attempts that I've just lost faith in myself. On a whim, my boyfriend asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I (even surprising myself) suggested Weight Watchers. I've tried WW multiple times before but I am a financial worrier and also quit by the 2nd month convinced I can do it on my own but I never do.

So, I suggested paying for a couple of months of Monthly Pass and within a few days I received a 50% off pass if you purchase 6 months in advance! PERFECT! *sign from above noted* Not ONLY that, I am a teacher and I received $65 in gift cards to Applebee's. No where else but Applebee's. Coincidence? I think not. (for those of you who  don't know, Applebee's has a WW friendly menu) I'm embracing these opportunities and taking it one day at a time.

I've been on plan for 4 days now and truthfully, it has been challenging. It was EASIER to go through the drive through. It was EASIER to grab anything at the grocery that tasted good. The feeling of control is 10 times better than the shame that came with those "easy" choices.

 

I also have a great milestone to shoot for. I know EXACTLY what I weighed in this picture. For a couple of years now, I have used this as my motivation picture. Naturally, I thought I was fat. I had indulged way too much and weighed in at 148 that morning. I would LOVE to weigh 148. It is a happy weight for me. The picture was taken nine summers ago in Destin on vacation. I still have the shirt I'm wearing. This August will be the 10th anniversary of that picture being taken and I kind of want a little recreate!

I have lots of hopes, dreams, goals and plans for this next year. I love writing. It is my passion. So my first goal is to be a better blogger and chronicler of this never ending journey!

Ruining Life?

I wonder if anyone feels like a failure is a catalyst for further failure? This weight loss/ weight gain cycle has been past the point of detrimental to my life and health. It has created such a cycle of self-hatred and negativity. At some point I thought I could do it and now, I've plummeted my self-esteem so much I wonder if I can.

I live in fear that I'm going to lose my relationship (which I so love) and that I'm going to lose my job all because of something caused by ding dongs and ho-hos. How sad is that? I feel like everyday I am ruining my life and my future. I feel like I throw away potential happiness for a McDonald's cheeseburger. Why is that? I'm so consumed by negativity that I don't know how to escape it. It consumes every bit of my life: work, friends, financial, family. I've lost all respect for me and I treat myself as if no one should respect me either.

Wow. A lot of whining. I know. What I do know is that I am smart enough and special enough to figure this out. I just don't know when. I know this blog isn't typical of what people are looking for in a weight loss blog. It is just a blunder of half-hearted attempts and tries. One day though, when I figure it out, I want someone to have seen the whole journey for what it really looked like.

I'm here. I still want weight loss so desperately but I haven't found my way yet.

No Subject

Why do they make you title your blogs? Sometimes I don't have a name for it.

I've been back just a couple of days from Chicago. I'm truly proud of myself for several of the choices I made. I will post several pictures soon. There is still some sorting and uploading to do. When I make that post, I'll tell you all about vacation food!

I stated planning and thinking that I would start juicing when I came back from Chicago and after a training I had yesterday. Today, I woke up and started looking at juicing recipes and blogs immediately and continued to do so for hours. Finally, I just said eff it and I ate some oatmeal with PB2, flax seeds, a little honey and a banana.

It's been a hard day. I feel like a failure that can't stick with anything. Why juicing? Because I know it drops pounds. It's not how I want to live my life though.

On my first lunch day with my new teaching team, one team member made a comment about another saying that she was always super healthy. I want that for myself. I want someone to refer to me as a super healthy eater or the healthiest person they know.

I'm back to counting calories. I ask for prayers and strength that I don't have today.